Iron Quill - Preliminary Round: I Don't Like Mondays.....

[Sliver Chocobo]

It's guild Script not not dollars, Black

[Absolution Black]

It's guild Script not not dollars, Black

yeah, but i'm sure i read in the fluff (book one?) that it was actually virtually worthless..which made me think that like in modern society, some currencies are going to be worth more than others.... so i chose dollars, assuming that the US of that time would have them!

[Sliver Chocobo]

Didn't Mc Morning get his Doctor in forensics, or have some connection to forensics

[Absolution Black]

Didn't Mc Morning get his Doctor in forensics, or have some connection to forensics

I can't recall, though to be fair..i dont think it would be that relevant to this tale....it is Knoffler we are speaking about, he hardly does things by the book!

[Sliver Chocobo]

yeah, but i'm sure i read in the fluff (book one?) that it was actually virtually worthless..which made me think that like in modern society, some currencies are going to be worth more than others.... so i chose dollars, assuming that the US of that time would have them!

I believe that meant expensive or rare things were brought with soulstones, everyday goods script

---------- Post added at 11:18 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 AM ----------

I can't recall, though to be fair..i dont think it would be that relevant to this tale....it is Knoffler we are speaking about, he hardly does things by the book!

But it implies that some level of forensics exist, but whether or not, Knoffler would have followed them is a different question. answer, probably no

[UberGruber]

I think though it's important to draw a distinction between wordy like, say Patrick O'Brian's rather heavily descriptive style and wordy where there's actually a redundancy of words (not that redundancy is necessarily always bad).

As regards style, M.J.Trow has written a whole slew of novels featuring his version of Conan Doyle's Inpector Lestrade. The later books become rather poor but the early ones: The Adventures of Inspector Lestrade, Brigade, Lestrade and the Hallowed House, Lestrade and the Ripper, are an amusing (sometimes very funny) alternative to Conan Doyle for crime in a late Victorian setting. They'd maybe be worth a glance for the sorts of police procedures available at the time.

Of course if your preference is for the pulp style, you shouldn't, I think, try to change it, but it becomes more important, I think, to work in appropriate period details and details of setting to 'reassure' the reader.

Here, I think, your characters are appropriate for the tale, but they need a little more fleshing to make them seem more rounded. I think that's the hardest thing with 'bit part' characters -- how to make them almost instantly strike the reader as real people and not plot puppets. Personality needs to be somehow conveyed swiftly and succinctly.

[Mako]

I did hope to see Knoffler smack the daft sod behind the desk when they raided, but then he does have enough sense to do things just by the book enough to avoid getting fired! Usually.

A good read, I like the style you have in this and the Black ones, and I always enjoyed the slightly anachronistic nature of Knoffler. He' a 30s Chicago detective in a 1900 world, and that amuses me no end. Aside from the dollar debate, I didn't see anything as too anachronistic (nicotine had been synthesised and fully purified by 1904, so they knew about it. Had done since about 1829 I think. The Science lesson hereby ends...)

I can see how those not familiar with your stuff would see america in the 20-50s, as it's got less of your usual surrounding stuff going on that ties it into malifaux, but then in 3000 words there wouldn't be space for that!

[Chucklemonkey]

Late to read this but just wanted to post that I enjoyed it very much.

I like the pulpy style used and have no difficulty in seeing it in a Malifaux setting.

[Thechosenone]

Thanks for the story Black. My few thoughts,

On the Guild Scrip thing versus Dollars- It's your story so do what you want but that being said you need to establish for us the reader whether your Scrip has any worth. There's so many takes on Malifaux and I think for the sake of what we're doing here you can't take for granted small details. Historically Scrip is an important thing. It was a company's way of enslaving its workers. Wal-mart had a case in 08 where it was ordered to stop paying its employees in mexico with company vouchers. The only power in Malifaux that regulates official legal business is the Guild. The alternative is really a long ways away.

That being said, if you want to use something other than scrip just give us some deep thoughts on the subject.

And on language and style- I always use Lovecraft as an example. He's certainly not the best writer out there. But the way he describes a thing and speaks about a scene leaves no room to guess when that story was written and that its meant to be terrifying. He's consistent in his tone, his words and his style.

If you were to start swapping words for more modern equivalents the tale would get rather strange. It would lose the antiquated horror feel that we've attached to say, In the mountains of madness, and just get jarring. So I think that when you are writing in a certain style you have to take a lot of care to maintain that fourth wall so to speak.

Overall I think that a lot of the preliminary round stories set out with achieving a style or a wacky twist or interesting plot device first and then wove the story around that.

What I do like about Black's is that it was simple and straight forward. It still aimed for a style filter. I have nothing against that but I think what i've learned is two fold from the preliminaries. Either stay in character/theme the entire time while avoiding heavy handedness or tell a good story first and avoid reliance on literary bells and whistles.

[UberGruber]

Opening -

The opening was fine really. Not utterly gripping, but then opening's don't need to be, it was interesting enough to make me want to read on.

Setting -

the setting was pretty solidly Malifaux, with enough references to establish it as such. I'd have liked maybe a little more description of the places -- the church interior, etc.

Plot -

the plot was a pretty straightforward whodunnit and I didn't feel a great deal of tension whilst reading (but as I've said to others, I'm hard to please that way). But it was well put together and the resolution made sense.

Character - Knoffler came across well, the other characters, not so much. Again, I'd have liked more description of them as seen through Knoffler's hungover perspective.

Dialogue -

dialogue was decent enough. I'd have liked a little more Chandler-esque wise-cracking, given the style, but it did the job.

Point of view - as I've said to others, I have strong views on this and the fuss that's sometimes made over it when looking at third person stories. So I shall just say I found no problems here.

Theme -

Again, I'm just going to deal with the chess piece and hangover as I'm not much on 'deeper themes' (I don't mind them being there in a story, and sometimes they're important but I think any story stands or falls by character and plot, everything else is a bonus). I thought you did the hangover well and the chess piece 'clues' fitted nicely with the sort of story it is.

Three best things about the story

Knoffler as a character, the fact he's being 'helped' to his solution and the reason for this help remains ambiguous, and the 'flow' of the story (which was easy reading in a good sense)

I'd like to see Knoffler more 'up against it' with his drinking and the problems it causes for his career. Snappier dialogue (I think he should most definitely not 'refrain from a sarcastic remark'), and, perhaps, greater attention to background detail to make the setting seem more 'atmospheric'.