Iron Quill Preliminary Round Second Draft

[ThePandaDirector]

I'm always wary when people put the main characters into things, that they won't match up to the actual book fluff, but in this case they were lightly dealt with and there wasn't really enough focus on them for that to be an issue.

This is the first time I've ever used existing characters in a story. Though I don't think either Ramos or Lilith are out of place. After all, it gives no indication when this story takes place (most likely before the events of book 1). It also doesn't explain why Lilith is involved and why she came to the catacombs. Do the Neverborn have a base there? Are they protecting its secrets? Does she have a grudge with the Fitzroy family? It's not explained because its not relevent, but beyond the slight change in their dialog, it is pretty disconnected from the actual fluff.

Interesting story, and a good plotline about someone giving everything up for what he wants, and getting it - which is worse. The bits of memory seemed disjointed and a little disruptive, which I'm guessing was the plan, to accentuate his mental state by the end. But I'm not sure the join of checkmate to stand up works for me. Not sure why, but the two didn't connect in that way in my head. Too dissimilar perhaps, since the king being tipped is surrender rather than actual mate isn't it (not an expert so may be wrong), and can't be stood back up after. I would have been tempted to have the checkmate bit as his last memory as he dies instead. But that's subjective and semantic really!

I like to think I establish Marius as a reflective person who gets distracted easily and so when placed in an extreme situation would likely become mentally erratic. But yes, it's difficult to pull of in this format.

As for the chess piece, you have to remember context. The scene with Gina happens in Autumn/Fall, then there's one scene in Winter, while the scene with Lilith happens in late Spring/Summer (as indicated in the scene with Ramos). Therefore there's a large time gap to consider. Gina's "checkmate" merely heralds Marius' surrender to "the direction of the wind"*. So while it is true that you tip the chess piece when you surrender, Lilith's "stand up" refers to Marius' figurative surrender so that she can mate him properly (she has a strong sense of honour).

*Gina's relation to Marius is complicated. I think it would have been better to reflect the theme of the wind in her, because that is the force Marius surrenders to. But what Gina achieves is distracting Marius from the unified legacy of his forefathers. So while in the end it his ironic attempt to carry on the legacy of his ancestors (while trying to prove his own independence), it is Gina's involvement that prevents him from ever being strong enough to succeed; again refering to the seed and the blossom, how Gina shelters him from "the sun and the rain" (needed for a plant to grow) and how Marius never learns. So in Marius' attempt to escape the branch he is on, he prematurely cuts himself off and is swept away by the wind to join his ancestors among the worms (which itself refers to Shakespeare's Hamlet).

In other words, I think about the thematic elements so much that I often require someone else to keep me on track with the "basic" elements of creating a readable story =D

[Chucklemonkey]

An excellent story which was a very enjoyable read. I haven't read your first draft so not sure what changes were made but it was a very nice take on the theme.

[UberGruber]

Opening -

I liked the opening a lot though personally I'd have trimmed the first couple of sentences just a little for extra 'punch'.

Setting -

Felt 'Malifauxy' though that was mainly due to the named characters and references to things Malifaux. But it felt like it could easily be a fit with the mythos (though I wasn't certain about him having been the king as I'm not that au fait with established Malifaux history).

Plot -

the plot was pretty clear, or rather became so as the story progresed, which is fine. I didn't find much tension (it seemed more 'interesting' than 'exciting' to me) but I am pretty hard to please in that regard so it didn't unduly bother me. i liked the ending.

Character -

I actually found the characters a wee bit blander than the story deserved. I'm not quite sure why that was but I have, for instance, no clear mental image of Fitzroy II. That's not due to him not being described physically in any great detail, it's just that he doesn't seem firm in my mind (which may of course be something to do with my mind . . . )

Dialogue -

Was pretty well done really. I'd have liked a little more 'snap' in some places, maybe more 'duelling' of words in the Ramos conversation, as if they were feeling each other out and testing more than came across.

Point of view -

I have extraordinarily strong views on point of view . . . for me way, way too much is made of consistency of pov in third person narratives (if Pullman can switch pov in mid-sentence in a children's book, I think adults should be able to cope . . .). So I will content myself with saying that I never found any confusion and I liked the 'cutting' from one scene to another a lot.

Theme - was there one? If so, how was it brought out?

I'm not quite certain how to answer this so I'll confine myself to the use of 'hangover' and 'chess piece'. The former I though was done very well as an underlying and recurring theme and the chess piece played a small but pivotal role.

Three best things about the story

The shifting in time between the scenes, the references to other fiction within the story and the rather lovely descriptions, and the irony.

Three things you think could be changed for the biggest improvement

I think it could be trimmed a bit further without losing anything vital, there's some places where I think the odd word could go (eg '
His mind was a swirl and his vision clouded by the blurring lights and shadows. Pain wracked his whole body and he gripped the stone wall at his back lest it sweep him into the swirling abyss' --> '
His mind was a swirl, his vision clouded by blurring lights and shadows. Pain-wracked, he gripped the stone wall at his back lest he be swept into the swirling abyss' but as I've said, there comes a point where 'editing' becomes an imposition of another's style on a piece. I really only mention this because I've got to think of three things.

Bit more 'punch' mid-story. Probably best done through 'edgier' dialogue.

something, goodness knows what, i have no idea, to make Fitzroy stand clearer in my mind.

[ThePandaDirector]

Intersting.

Just a couple points, as far as King goes, he's not the King of Malifaux, but some nation Eathside. His family clearly owns land in Malifaux, but his main reason for being there is to seek out 'adventure'. Another piece of info I left out (partly because it seemed irrelevent) is that Gina lives in Malifaux and so she sort of seduces him to stay in a way. In the original concept I was going to make him a Spanish King, and on a visit to Latigo Perdita would refer to his father as a 'monster' (linking to Perdita's canon theme). In the end I suppose I left him as a bit of a void for the reader to fill (among other things). I guess it just doesn't work on this kind of smallscale ambitious level.

As for Marius... I suppose with the weight of the themes and dialogue I didn't want to try too hard to create a mental image, but at least convey tones that suggest certain images. Marius is apparently quite strong ("broad shoulders") but also dresses to either impress or just keep up appearances (wearing an expensive suit to a miner's camp). He's ambitious but easily distracted and independent while failing to ever learn his lesson. I suppose with that information I'm able to conjur the type of man who fits those aspects. I imagine someone between Jay Gatsby and Brom Garret from Deadwood (husband to Alma Garret) with the reflective mind of either Nick Carroway or Lee Byeong-hun in A Bittersweet Life; strong built, but well groomed to the point where he often looks out of place. But that is all hidden among the themes and references so not quite as clear as others.

If the deadline hasn't passed, I may make some last edits to try and get the most out of this (still have 100 words to spare). It's certainly been educational =]

[Sholto]

I attach a copy of the story with my comments as tracked changes.

Basically, I really like the premise of this story. It was not trying to be a traditional adventure story, but more a character study of a tragic individual, told through fragments of story on a disjointed timestream.

I think it suffers from wordiness in places, where it looks like you are feeling out the theme of the story but without really nailing it. It also has a problem with dialogue, in that in all of the expedition fragments, but also in most of the others, I had difficulty working out who was speaking to whom. Obviously the fragmentary nature of these episodes is spoiled if you stop to name and describe everyone, but the resulting confusion suggests that maybe unattributed dialogue is not the best way to accomplish your goal here.

To me, the central image in this story is not the chesspiece but the tree. Intercut the story with sequences of Marius cutting the tree down. Once you have that central action and image (including the obvious final image) to hang the rest of the story on, it should all flow into place.

[UberGruber]

I thought he wasn't (symbolically) trying to cut the tree down, rather to shake himself free from it -- to rid himself of the tree, if you like, rather than destroy it root and branch. For that reason I'd be uneasy with him hacking bits off the tree rather than, say, watching it at different times and seeing the leaves through summer and autumn into winter.

[ThePandaDirector]

Well slap my nipples and call me Daisy, some great feedback. Thanks David =D

"Yet this was no expression of joy nor reassuring gesture of good will, but malevolence, composed by voluptuously youthful lips that belied an intellect beyond natural inheritance. She looked down at him with the supreme judgement reserved for waning life reaching its accounting, understanding all his fallacies and misinterpreted intentions, yet with an alien quality that instilled an innocent terror."

This was a homage to this paragraph from The Great Gatsby:

"He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced--or seemed to face--the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself."

Apart from the fact I'd just had a long discussian about the book and was writing overnight, I liked the idea of turning this paragraph on its head. Since Lilith wasn't going to get much screen time I wanted to highlight the profound impact she makes while also suggesting that the terror she inspires is more "divine judgement" than "essence of evil". Lilith is the opposite of Marius in every sense, not to mention the opposing "King", in both life and the chess game. I kind of like the idea that the only one who could pass judgement (and execution) on a King is another "King" (relating to "king stays the King") For me this paragraph is the only part that gives Lilith any thematic pull (the bit at the end refers more to Marius).

"Do the branches collectively relieve is this the right word? "Relieve themselves" suggests urination themselves or is it the wind that dictates their cycle?"

I'd just say "pish" =P I took it as "unburden" but I suppose it should have been clearer.

"She shivered in her dressing gown and held onto Marius, for warmth and due affection why due?"

"Due" relates to an expected/demanded expense. Here Gina is wrapping her arms around Marius as a demand for affection rather than to comfort Marius. She is supposed to be demanding and selfish, and everything she does has an ambiguous consequence. Is she the White Queen - making Marius happy - or the Black Queen - setting him up for defeat? In the end as happy as she makes him, the expense Marius pays is his time and energy which ultimately leaves him unprepared for his future trials.

As for the expedition scenes, I wanted to differentiate them through tone. Cicero is polite and punctuated, Dwight is informal and loud and Findlay is direct and to the point. I tried to establish that in the first section so that you could grasp how many characters there are. Then in the second part, visuals aren't that important, sound is. In fact I treat it like a radio broadcast or some sort; you're just hearing shouting and indications of action. I kinda hoped that the readers would be able to either figure out who was who or not care.

There's lots of little things I agree with, some I had noticed from the start and never changed (that moment of present tense).

Though UberGruber is right, Marius isn't really trying to cut down the tree, at least literally. I should probablly change "Only when I cut down the tree am I free of the wind that binds me to the fallacies of those before me" to avoid that confusion.

Basically, Marius is a leaf, his family are all leaves and the branches of the tree are the legacy that unites them. They all blow in the same direction (because of the wind). They all end up in the same place, the ground. Marius attempts to free himself from the tree, hoping to be reborn. But it is the tree, the legacy that endures, not the leaves. By prematurely cutting himself off his branch he falls victim to the wind and ends up in the same place as his ancestors. The scene where he reflects on it shows that he actually respects the tree, respects the legacy. He just wants his own legacy, but the lesson is that that doesn't happen because we're all just leaves waiting to be taken by the wind.

It's safe to say that at times I can be very introspective and while this theme doesn't really mean anything profound to me, it felt like it had enough merit to tell a good parable.

Having a background in film and scriptwriting, I tend to overdo the things I can't really do in a script, such as metaphors, while ignoring the things a script doesn't need, such as explaining visuals (I was never very good at dialogue). This story also suffered from being influenced by two different styles (Fitzgerald and McCarthy).

In the end this has been the most rewarding writing experiences of my life, and the feedback I've received means a lot. Thank you everyone =D