Andy Skyhawk: hunter for hire, with no plans to retire

[skyhawk]

Howdy...I havn't written anything in near five years and im working a custom malifaux crew loosly bassed on my self and family to play with some friends who are also creating there own custom characters and crews

This is the first instalmen in the saga of Andy Skyhawk. A rough and tumble fella from the back woods of northern kentucky. Andy Skyhawk came to malifaux with his papaw, little brother Ethan Skyhawk, his best friend Brett Sparks, and a couple of his favorite hounds cope and hagen. The family started farming smoking grass and hunting small game near the bayou but soon found there specific skills were well suited for more exciting purposes such as hunting the undead and undermining guild, arcanist, and pretty much anybody elses affaires they didn't care for.

It was a hot, sticky summer night deep in the bayou as two guild gaurds found themselves on the wrong patrol and the wrong time

Click, schink, schink, click. Sounds whispered from somewhere nearby in the foggy bog

What was that boss? the green guild gaurd aksed

Nothin to worry about kid. The captain replied

BOOM! A great shot rang out as the young gaurdsman's torso was torn apart by buck shot

BOOM! range the shot gun againe as the captains leg was blasted to shreds

Click, schink, schink, click

A mysterious figure in overalls wearing a hankerchief over his face stepped out of the mist looking down the twin blue steel barrels of his twelve gauge remington.

Were's the rest of you patrol captain? The huter asked

......

Not talkin eh? well we know how to deal with such things...

The stranger chuckled as he lowered his weapon and drew an enormous blade from the leather sheath on his hip and moved closer to the injured captain.

Looks like you could stand to loose a few pounds in the belly laughed the hunter as he crouched down next to the captain.

Im gona ask you some questions and if you dont tell me what i want to know ill shave off a few slivers of your big belly.

Whats such an unprepared guild patrol doing this deep in the bayou? Dont you know what lives out here? Theres vicous gremlins, giant pigs, and in only gets weirder the deeper you go. Hell thats what i like about it... keeps a man sharp, on your toes. You know what i mean fatty?

.....

still nothin huh? fine... Slice. The captain gasped for air as blood gushed from the new wound the hunter's knife had easily given him.

Alright boys, traps set. Yall can come out.

Two other rough looking fellas and a mess of hound dogs stepped out from the shadows.

So you think that a couple of dead guild gaurds will be enough Skyhawk? The youngest asked his big brother as he puffed on a large well rolled doobie.

Let me tell ya bro, you cant keep these damn ressers away from fresh corpses. Replied the hunter named skyhawk...

You sure did a number on the fat one bro. Sparks said as he examinded the dead guild gaurd. He even $$$$$$$$ed his pants a little. Sometimes i think you like this way too much ole buddy... Sparks laughed as he was handed the smoking doobie from Ethan.

You know what partner... I dont mind the work but i do enjoy blastin the $$$$$$$$ out of zombies and them that associated themselves with 'em Andy Skyhawk replied to his brothers.

Alright lets get hidden I suspect some kind of graverobber will be along soon and we dont get paid to smoke and brag about how good we are at are jobs.

[Thechosenone]

Big thanks to you and anyone who contribute fiction to the fiction section.

It's an interesting project to base a crew off your own family so kudos for that. It's certainly the first time I've heard that.

As far as an honest critique I'm going to say that there are some mechanical and stylistic problems so far.

Punctuation is really important because without it the reader hits speed bumps that take him out of the piece. For example, when I'm reading your work I have to mentally backtrack a step to realize that what I'm reading is a piece of dialog because it's missing the quotes.

The second issue is the use of the onomatopoeia in the opening rather than descriptions of the action. I'm missing internal feelings for the characters as well as scene description.

I'd suggest reading an action sequence from something you've read that you really enjoyed and looking to see how the author paces the scene and how they paint the description of the events there in. Then review your work and try to breath more life into the scene.

I'm no expert, all i can say is what I like and I like deep description and to see a story told through the eyes of the characters there. But you've tackled the hardest part of writing which is actually writing something.

[skyhawk]

Thanks for the critisism. I LOVE FEEDBACK!!!!

I hav'nt written anything in a while. All of the suggestions make sense to me and I will take that into consideration when I continue the story. The characters are the main part I want to express. Andy Skyhawk is actualy just a henchman and bob green or papaw is the master of the crew and they have a whole mess of hound dogs.

[Thechosenone]

Feedback is what we live for. Sadly, feedback in the writers' forum is a rare thing. So make sure if you read something you comment on other peoples' stuff too. As much as you love it, we all love it. That's the second most important thing in my opinion, be willing to help out your fellow man.

[skyhawk]

Absolutly. If we dont help out then who will